Santa told the family about what the baby accomplished this year (well, the two months of it that's comprised her life–for ten months she was in the womb). Her report card read like this:

• Did over 100 one armed push-ups
• Won a potato sack race while reading War & Peace
• Mastered Aramaic–the language of Jesus & his people
• Ate 107 hotdogs in under a minute, beating out that scrawny Japanese kid
• Swam the English Chanel. In her birthday suit!

Give the kid a damn present already, man.